Here we are. It’s 2015. And a brand new year.
I’ve felt melancholy this last week. Back to the whole “beginning, middle, end” thing again, and trying to feel into the “energetic properties” of these different stages, we’re here at the the end of the year. Channukah is over (I don’t think I ever spell that the same way twice), the larger world has gotten Christmas done, and I work in the nonprofit field, where budgets are often on a calendar year and things slow down significantly in December. I can feel the year ending–it’s quieting down, becoming more still, the difficulty in getting phone calls returned, all the scheduling that’s rolling onto week 2 of January.
I have also felt melancholy, probably, because I was turned down by one of the CPE programs that I really wanted to get into. I applied to three programs, got interviews with the two I most wanted to attend, and felt like both of those went really well, and now I’ve been turned down by one of them. Doing the math, I have one more chance at having things go as I first planned. If I get turned down by the other program, there will have to be some serious regrouping.
Regrouping. It’s 2015 now, 1:50am by my watch. The new year is beginning. The other day my 13 year-old daughter said of New Years, “It’s just another day in the calendar. I don’t see why everybody gets so excited.” And in a way, she’s right, so practical (I feel a little whimsical around her in her present newly minted-teenage incarnation. She told me last week she doesn’t believe in G_D–totally appropriate, but of course I’m trying to figure out how I can explain to her in a way she’ll hear why I do believe). But she also is at a stage where–even with all the peer identification–she believes she is smart and capable enough to do things by herself, and that she can live in a vacuum, unaffected by the world, and people, around her.
This is what I think is going on–the end of the year is a collective social moment of the death of the year that many of us share, and all the hopes and expectations we had for it, all the disappointments that we are still left with. We look back, evaluate, weigh the months. Come January, we can only look forward–it’s a time when I often want to revamp all my systems, commit to returning phone calls in 24 hours, start keeping a work journal as I go through my day, with notes on what I do, what I’m thinking, what I start and finish, tasks that need to be added to my larger list. In letting myself be in touch with and carried by these temporal energies I can use these moments for what they feel like–letting things end, starting new thing.
I can feel the sadness I have around not getting accepted to that program. I can sit with it, take it on for a few days, slow down, sit and stare a bit. But now it’s 2015, and I still have employment. I’l be able to get clients to return my calls next week. My daughter will go back to school for the second part of her year. I can start making a Plan B for if i don’t get into the other program. I can live up to my commitments around this blog and work at getting it going.